Obscured by Silver
by Theta Allardyce
Summary: Will has a hard time dealing with his curse, and because of this he does things he shouldn't. While he has become used to Tessa's presence at the Institute, there's something with her that has started to bother him. After a while he realizes that it's because she spends so much time with his Parabatai and great sin: Jem.
1. Chapter 1

**Several adjustments have been made after the first time I published the story!**

**The characters and world belong to Cassandra Clare. Jem/Will slash. The story is set at the end of Clockwork Prince, but it is centred around the relationship between Will and Jem.**

**Warnings: This fanfiction contains use of alcohol, self-harm, and sugests suicide. While these subjects aren't explained in detail, I've changed the rating to M to be sure.**

Will was on his way to the dining room, and he had spent unusually long time on preparing himself. Not that there was any special reason, really, he'd simply had the time for once. He had rearranged his hairstyle at least five times before he settled for a ruffled look, letting small locks of hair curl down his forehead. The locks framed in his eyes in such a way that made them seem even bluer than what they already did. Charlotte and the others at the Institute still didn't have any knowledge of Mortmain's whereabouts, but at least they were no longer alone in the matter of tracking him. The whole Clave was now working on it. Of course, it still took up rather a lot of Will's time – mostly mentally perhaps, but it was not as bad for him as it had to be for poor Charlotte, who barely made it home for meals after spending so much time on getting in contact with important people in Downworld. Will could at least get some room to think about other things as well, if not too much.

The first face Will's eyes fell upon as he entered the room was Jem's. The light in Jem's silver eyes seemed to vanish slightly as Will entered, and for a brief moment Will was confused, but only a second later Jem smiled up at his parabatai like he used to and Will knew he must have imagined it. It wasn't as Jem always smiled at him either, what with all the times Jem had been mad at Will for the things he said and his arrogant and often rude behaviour. But at least Will knew that Jem would never stay angry for long, and he didn't have to worry about that in addition to all the other things that were constantly busying his mind. Will sat down, leaving only one seat to be unfilled. It was Tessa's.

Will found himself looking towards Jem again while they waited. He was wearing a very typical Jem-outfit: black trousers and a white, almost silvery shirt, a colour that greatly resembled that of his eyes and hair. His face was calm and there wasn't possible to detect a single sign of stress upon it. He actually looked healthier than he had for weeks.

The door to the room opened once again and this time Tessa came in. Jem's face went from calm to what Will only could only describe as happy looking. It was as if a candle had suddenly been replaced by the blazing brightness of a witchlight. Will felt a certain pang in the pit of his stomach, but he had no idea what it came from. He was probably just so stressed out that even the smallest of things could make his mood even lower.  
Really, he thought it was a great thing that Tessa had come to the institute. For himself it was just another person he had do make sure didn't like him too much, but it was good for Jem's sake- Having a new friend he could be around who made him laugh, especially now that Jessamine was in the Slient City. Not that she had been the best of company in the first place…

"Will, are you even listening"? It was Charlotte's voice that abruptly dragged Will back to reality. "Don't you think Buford is just the most horrible name for our baby boy"?  
"I rather like it", Tessa let out before Will could think of an answer, which earned her a big grin from Henry, but a scowl from Charlotte.  
"I agree with Charlotte", Will said casually. "It would be much better if he was named after me".  
Jem sighed. "Now you're just acting ridiculous, Will. May I speak my opinion? I have to say that I side with Tessa in this matter".  
With Tessa? The name seemed to echo inside Will's head. _Tessa._  
Why didn't Jem say Charlotte? She was the mother after all.  
Tessa's and Jem's gazes locked. Their eyes sparkled in a way that somehow made Will think they shared some sort of super hilarious secret.

"You know", Will said. "I'm not hungry after all".  
The lot of them wrinkled their brows in unison, which made the whole scene look rather comical.  
"I think I'll go to bed early this evening".  
He rose from his chair with a sharp movement and went out of the room, for once not bothering to hide that everything wasn't as it should be. Jem tried to call him back, but Will ignored him. Actually, Will couldn't help feeling a tiny bit satisfied with the whole situation.  
He hurried off to his bedroom and lay down on his bed, which was surrounded by nothing but huge piles of books, and he fell asleep instantly, a small smile etched upon his lips.

**I know this was very short, but it was mostly an introduction. I promise that upcoming chapters will be longer, and there'll definitely be more drama, complications and suspense. Reviews will be greatly appreciated. I'm a newbie with fanfiction (and sadly English isn't my first language), so I guess I need all the help I can get.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I could've made this chapter longer, but I figured this length is the most fitting for the story I want to narrate. I hope you will like this chapter.**

"Will, what _was_ last night about"?

"What do you mean, _James_"?

"Why are you calling me James all of a sudden, _William_"?

Will and Jem were leaned against a fence located an hour or so away from the Institute. It was late afternoon, but the air was still warm. There were bloody scratches on Will's face, but nothing too bad. Jem on the other hand had no visible wounds as proof that they'd just dealt with a demon they had come across. Or Will had come across, to be precise. Jem had run after him when Will had told him that he wanted to go to a party to drink himself silly. Jem had found Will as that green thing had tried to bite off his right arm. Jem had taken advantage of its distraction by throwing a seraph blade towards it, which cut straight through the scale-like skin of the demon and sent it back to where it belonged.

Jem had followed Will before, of course, but without gaining any result. He hadn't really hoped that he would discover anything more tonight. It was just that there was something with Will that seemed so different somehow. It had been like that since… Well, how long had it been? A thought suddenly struck him: "He has acted like this ever since Tessa arrived at the Institute". Why was that? The hairs on his neck prickled uncomfortably. Will couldn't possibly have fallen in love with her, could he? No, it was probably a coincidence, something else that had happened at the same time. It _had _to be, because Jem had hoped that Tessa might be the one for himself, but he couldn't do anything that would hurt his best friend...

"'S nothing", Will murmured in a way that didn't make it seem like "nothing" at all.  
Jem knew that it wouldn't help to keep pressing questions on Will, it would only make it worse, so they just ended up sitting in silence for a while.

"I guess we should head back to the Institute", Jem tried carefully after a few minutes had passed.  
Not surprisingly, Will answered with a "You go on. I'm off to get myself drunk, remember"?  
Jem sighed. "All right, I'll just ask Tessa if she wants to join me in a game of cards or something then".  
Will didn't move a muscle, so Jem straightened himself up and started his walk back to the Institute, a few couches emerging from his throat as he did so.

Will had never ignored it when Jem had coughed before. He started to regret the bitter tone he had used. Jem had done nothing wrong after all, and Will had no good reason to be mad at him and act like he did. And hadn't Jem just proved that he still cared about Will? Well of course he was pretty much obliged to do so, but anyway, Will didn't feel like that was the whole reason either.

As the anger started to fade, worry began to creep through his veins instead. At first it crept slowly, but then it came all at once with an overpowering force. Jem had just gone, but what if his coughs had numbered up and developed into a coughing fit? What if Jem, in this exact moment, were standing on his arms and knees, spitting blood, not having been able to reach back to the Institute in time? And Will had been too busy with his own selfish thoughts to check if he really was okay.

Suddenly Will started to run, or rather sprint. He raced as fast as he could the route he knew Jem always used. Despite of being a Shadowhunter, Will found himself short of breath for the first time in his life that he could remember. A feeling of hopelessness erupted inside of him, but he still kept running. Jem's face swam before his eyes, and he used it as motivation to keep going on and on until he finally saw the familiar doors of the Institute.

The last of his energy seemed to seep out of him, and while he hadn't found Jem on his hands and knees, it was Will who doubled over instead. Relief mixed with his terrible hopelessness. Jem was safe. He was fine. He was inside the Institute. With Charlotte, and Henry, and, and... Tessa. Of course he was safe. Nothing to worry about. What was still bothering him was that this hopeless guy with the trembling hands wasn't Will. Naturally, with a curse like his, it was impossible to be _happy_, but still he'd managed with the help of his books, with Jem by his side, and the hope he had in Magnus. He had never longed more to tell Jem everything than just now. He couldn't bear wait a second longer. But then he couldn't bear watching Jem struggle with Will's burden either, and he couldn't deny that he feared that Jem would think of him differently if he knew that Will had allowed Jem, and only Jem to love him. He feared that Jem would think that Will loved him the least, while it was the opposite that was true.

And it was in exactly that moment Will realized that Jem was the only one he _wanted _to love him. He wanted Jem, and no one else. It didn't matter that much what the others thought about him. Jem was always so kind, and there wasn't a single thing Will had done that Jem hadn't forgiven. That was the reason why Will could stand his curse. If only he could only tell the rest of the story too. The realization struck him so powerfully, and the sensation was so overwhelming that he wasn't even conscious of rising himself up from the ground.

He found himself on his feet again, walking with a steady pace, not towards the doors of the Institute, not to drink until he couldn't feel, but to a familiar brown door placed at the top of a staircase belonging to the a big, white mansion: Magnus's mansion. Or the one he had lived in the past week, at least.

He knocked twice, and it didn't take many seconds before a footman opened the door. There was no sign of a smile on his lips, it looked like he was bored to death and didn't wish anything more than to disappear on the spot and never come back.  
"I don't think you coming here tonight was a good idea", he said casually.  
"You think"?, answered Will. "And why is that, I may ask"?  
The footman hesitated. Will, having the brain of a Shadowhunter, took advantage of this, and knocked himself a way around the footman.  
"EY, what do you think you're doing"?, he shouted after him.  
Will ignored this, and the footman didn't seem to bother to follow him either. Will dashed up the staircase, having a feeling that he would find Magnus upstairs tonight. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he kind of did look forward to see Magnus again, a face that would neither scowl nor look at him as if he was an animal that had been hurt.

Will was outside Magnus's bedroom now. He knocked at the door, and while he did so he imagined Magnus's humour filled voice asking him to come in. He was instead surprised that Magnus opened the door himself. There was absolutely nothing with him to suggest the at-the-top-of-the-social-rank, joking-and-laughing-all-the-time-warlock like Will had come to know. His usually carefully styled, black hair were now damp and plastered to his forehead, as if he hadn't taken a bath for several days, and the dark shadows under his eyes couldn't in any way be mistaken as something else. This startled Will so much that he took a few steps back.

"M- Magnus, what on earth has happened to you"?, he erupted. "I was hoping you could hel"… He stopped suddenly as he saw Magnus's eyes close. He swayed on the spot, as if he was about to faint, but then, just as quickly, he turned around and sat down on his unmade bed, looking very much awake.  
"You really, _really_ shouldn't have come here tonight, Will", his grim voice uttered.

**So, that's the end of the chapter. You have no idea how much it would mean for my writing (and for me) if you could take a second to review, even if it's just a small comment.**


	3. Chapter 3

Despite of everything that was going on inside of Will's head, he still felt concern when he saw how fragile Magnus looked. He had to be a very strong person, having gained life experience for hundreds of years, surely. One would think that nothing could hurt such a person, that he would be well prepared for whatever life had to offer him.

"Magnus… I'm so sorry, if anything has happened. It was just, things have complicated up a bit, and I was just too egoistic to think about anything but myself". Will was afraid that this sounded too gentle, but he was pretty sure that Magnus didn't have much thought of him anyway. He probably just wanted to help so that he wouldn't ruin the contact he had achieved with the Shadowhunters, which after all was essential for his work. It wasn't exactly the easiest thing for a Warlock to do. Magnus did look taken aback from hearing Will's words though, so Will decided to be more careful with the way he talked from now, making sure his tone was sharp enough to not make an impression that he was a caring saint or something.

Magnus spoke while his forehead was still wrinkled in confusion. "I should have taken you downstairs, but the ground floor is not a fitting place to talk right now. So if you could please sit down in that chair". He nodded his head towards the corner of the room where a magnificent, old chair stood. Will thought it looked like it was carved from mahogany, and the pillow was of white silk which was sewn with golden threads in a delicate swirling pattern.

Will sat awkwardly down in the chair. The whole situation just felt plain uncomfortable. Both Will and Magnus were boys, or men, that rarely showed any kind of emotion. They wanted to give the impression of being strong, of being able to deal with anything. And yet, they sat here now, and there was no doubt that both of them were a mess.  
Luckily, Magnus was mature enough to start on the subject they had to go through right away. As it had to be done, it wouldn't do any good to keep dragging the silence further.

"As I'm sure you've understood by now, you can't expect good news from me. I just wanted to start with that, so you don't get your spirits up too much".  
Will grinded his teeth hard together, and looked down at his fingers, which he observed he had been twirling around one another without having noticed. He stopped immediately. "Mh, right, because I was so cheerful in the first place".

Magnus simply ignored this sarcastic remark and went on. "I've been working really hard these last few weeks, you know. Many hours a day, and this is really demanding work. I simply can't find any demon that fits your description".  
Will was relieved it wasn't anything worse.  
"But then you can just keep looking, right? I'm sure of what I saw. It must exist". Magnus's expression remained the same.  
"I don't know how or why, but somehow that demon has changed. In all my years on this earth, I've never experienced anything like it, but still I don't carry any doubt. It must have been a really powerful demon you encountered that night, something completely out of the ordinary. I choose to think that it's a shape shifter of a kind. And I can't find any other way to track it if I don't longer know its appearance. It could be any demon, Will".

"Look, I don't care Magnus. As long as you keep doing what you're doing, you have to find the right one in the end. It can't possibly be that hard".  
Magnus heard the desperation in his voice, so he tried to answer as gentle as he could. "There are billions of demons, William, you know that as well as I do. I assure you, if there was any hope that I could find it, I would. Trust me on that matter".

Anger flushed up Will's face and his heart started slamming harder against his chest.  
"You can't do this Magnus. You can't give up! It's the only hope I've got. Without it, I have _nothing. _I can't bear having this life. You don't understand"!

Only two words came out of Magnus's mouth this time "I'm sorry".  
Will couldn't stand just sitting there, so he sprang out of his chair.  
"_Please_". He couldn't hold the tears in any longer, and it looked like Magnus wanted to cry too, but that couldn't be it. Normally, Will would be worried what Magnus thought of him, in this completely pathetic and ridiculous situation, but right now he just couldn't care. And anyway, he was tired of being an asshole, pretending not to care about others, and so he asked Magnus why _he_ looked so miserable. Maybe hearing of his trouble even could work as a sort of distraction for Will.

"You wouldn't understand", was all he answered. Will started to protest, but Magnus, being a step ahead of him, had created a sort of portal and pushed Will straight through it before he had any chance of realizing what had happened. Will was too surprised to do anything, and soon he was swirling through nothingness.

Suddenly he found himself outside of the door to the mansion again, and he knew in his heart of hearts that there would be no point in trying to get back inside. With furious steps, he walked back to the wall near the fence that he and Jem had leaned against earlier that evening. He took up his hand and clenched his fist. For a very long time he just stood there and stared down at his own knuckles. They were raw and scarred from years of hunting, but what really made him stare was the fact that they were white as chalk. It looked like there was no blood running through his veins. As if to test this, he slammed his fist hard towards the stone wall. And blood there was. Small rifts appeared, and scarlet drops oozed through. It wasn't enough though. He slammed again, and then once more, the pain growing with each hit, which helped him feel more _real_. His thoughts cleared for a moment, but each time he attempted a pause, the pain came back sharp in his head again, and that kind of pain was far worse than the pain he felt on his knuckles.

After having stood there for maybe an hour or so, he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand there for the rest of his life, beating a brick wall, but he couldn't bear the thought of going back to the Institute either. Instead he headed for The Blue Demon, a mundane bar. A really ironic name in his situation, but he couldn't stand being around Downworld people right now. He needed something out of the ordinary. No fancy, purple, bubbly drinks, just a simple, human buzz of alcohol.

And this one night, he hadn't lied to Jem about what he was doing. All the times he had used being drunk as an excuse, telling people he just wanted to have fun… This was the first time it was actually true. He needed escape from reality now that was more powerful than just physical pain or reading his books. This was the only way he could see in this moment.  
He went in front of the counter, barley noticing the bar man. "One double Whiskey, please".

**I just want to leave a note and say that I very much look forward to writing the next chapter, and I hope you will stick around until then. I also want to thank you who have reviewed my story; the reviews definitely make writing more fun. **


	4. Chapter 4

When Will woke up the next morning, it felt like his heart was in his head, rather than his chest. His temples were throbbing painfully. Escape from reality always had some sort of price when you surfaced again, Will thought. He felt exhausted, and really, he wouldn't mind staying in bed all day, but he knew he couldn't. Very slowly, he sat up in his bed, stood up and went to the washing servant to splash some water in his face. It bore a dull, grey colour, not pretty at all, but he guessed it would go away soon enough. He placed two fingers over and under each of his eyes and stretched as if it would make him feel more awake. It made his eyes look like those of a fish. He dragged on some black trousers, and an equally black shirt. Then he combed his hair with his fingers, before heading out the door and down to eat breakfast.

He was greeted by the usual "Good mornings" from Charlotte and Henry who were already there. Tessa and Jem came shortly after, smiles upon their lips, hands twined together. Will simply raised an eyebrow, and so it seemed, did Charlotte, but a smile was clearly playing across her lips. Jem locked gazes a few seconds with each person present in the room. He took a deep breath, and then spoke the words that Will so tried to be indifferent to, even smile to. He couldn't say he hadn't expected them.  
"We wanted to make this official. Tessa and I are now a couple. I want to spend the rest of my life together with her, actually".  
Henry's face lit up immediately, and it looked like Charlotte wanted to cry.  
"That's magnificent news, James! I am thrilled on your behalf, we all are, I'm sure of it"! She rose from her chair and gave both Tessa and Jem a big hug.  
Will knew that he should to say something too, so he ruffled Jem's hair in a brotherly fashion, and did his best to put on a delighted mask. "Congratulations, this is amazing news. Fantastic that something like this can happen in such a dark time, right"?!

They happily talked about the big news during breakfast. Will did his best to be engaged in the conversation, getting help by the thought that he really wanted Jem to be happy. It would be better if he himself could make him happy of course, but this wasn't the worst thing that could happen, really.  
This didn't change that Will still couldn't be true to his own feelings though, and he understood that he had to do something to break up the mood there, so they could all get angry at him again. He carefully laid the knife and fork down on his plate, and the words came flowing out of his mouth in a silky way, and naturally so after years of practice.

"While I think, as I've said before, that this is amazing news, I just want to make it clear that I don't think Tessa should stay here any longer. I guess that you would want to go with her, Jem, but I really don't think that's a good idea". Will would never have said these words if it weren't for the fact that he knew the others would deny them completely. He continued. "I want to track Mortmain as much as all of you do, but we haven't come any further, have we? I don't think we will either, before Mortmain has Tessa".  
Already the others were looking at him in plain disbelief.  
"Look, we could make a good plan out of it! If only we prepare ourselves well, we can use Tessa as bait. We can lure Mortmain into a trap. There's nothing he want more than Tessa, and I'm sure he'll risk anything to get her. Then this could all end! Maybe it's not the best of ideas, but it doesn't seem to me like any of you've got anything bette"…  
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND"? Jem shouted out.  
"She could get hurt! It probably won't get us anywhere, and besides, there's no way we can take such a risk"!  
"Will, Jem is right", Charlotte said sharply. "I can't believe you would suggest such a thing! You should be ashamed of yourself! Of all the things you've said and done Will, this is stepping far over the line"!

"No, Will's the one who has right", Tessa spoke up. She just looked straight forward, eyes fixed on a tapestry hanging on the wall. "I… I want to do this. If we want to get any further in this matter"…  
"Tessa, dear, don't even argue. We won't let you do such a thing no matter what you say. I'm so sorry on Will's behalf. _Seriously"_, Charlotte continued when Tessa still tried to protest. "And Will, where on earth do you think you're going? I'm not done speaking to you"! Will had nearly reached the door.  
"You're not my mother, Charlotte", Will said in the coolest tone he could manage.  
This seemed to put a bit of a stopper on Charlotte, but not for long. "I know, but that doesn't mean I will allow you to talk like that in the Institute that I, I mean… we, Henry and I run". She cast an apologetic look upon Henry. "You can't just leave the room now".  
"Oh yeah? Well, watch me then"!

And once again, Will had left the room with several people yelling after him to get back, but this time he didn't feel any satisfaction what so ever. He only felt rage and self-hate. Again he had the urge to punch something, but he resisted. He knew he couldn't keep doing that. Instead he went back to bed, trying desperately to fall asleep again. It took several minutes with flailing around in the bed and soundless screams, but in the end he slowly slipped away from reality yet again, into a dream land that was fully his own. At least no one could take that away from him.

He had a really strange dream. He was on Mars, and there were plenty of aliens there, but they weren't really scary. The part that was scary was that he had to take some sort of elevator that led him to a room underground. He was standing at a platform located at the eastern end of the room, while on the opposite side, there was something he longed after, something he loved deeply, but he didn't know what. He just knew that if he didn't get it immediately, it would be lost forever. He was about to run across the floor towards it, when he heard banging from above.

He woke abruptly. It was Jem who was hammering on the door. "Will, let me come in"!  
Will groaned. "Just come in, it's open, but I refuse to leave bed"!  
Jem entered. Will was taken by unpleasant surprise when he saw Jem's eyes flashing with pure fury.  
"Why are you so angry"? Will's voice sounded weaker than he had intended.  
Jem spoke straight forward.  
"Will, you know I've always put up with all you've said and done. I've always forgiven you, but this… Have you any idea of how difficult this must be for Tessa already? And how much worse you just made it"?  
"I know, I'm sorry".  
"You just come there and- … Wait what, you're _sorry_? Since when did you start to be sorry"?  
"I… always, really".  
Jem stared at him in disbelief.  
"What on earth do you mean, always sorry? Why would you then act like that? I don't believe you".  
"I don't blame you", was Will's reply.

And then the first cough came.

"Jem, are you okay? Have you taken the yin-fen today"?  
"Yes and yes, I'm completely fine. Of course I am! That doesn't matter right now. I won't allow you to change the subject. I don't _get_ what has gotten into you"?  
"Nothing, you're right. I'm just a dumb jerk that can't go through life without being mean to others. You have all the right in the world to hate me".  
"Of course I don't hate you, I'm just… What you did was so wrong, and I'm trying to understand you. I thought that maybe us being parabatai…".

Jem put his hand in front of his mouth and coughed a couple of more times.

"There's nothing to get. I'm just Will, that's all".

Jem tried to hide his hand in the pocket of the fine jacket he was wearing, but he wasn't fast enough.  
Will rose from his bed, and grabbed Jem's wrist hard. Small droplets of red were visible in his palm. The fear Will always felt whenever this happened, came up strong now.  
The coughs kept coming, and although Jem tried, he didn't manage to continue the conversation. He lay down on the floor, unable to stand any longer. The moment Jem was on the floor, tears welled up in Will's eyes. There was something different this time, all though he couldn't describe how. It was like… some power from above told him that _this is it. _This is your last chance. And what if it was?

"No, that can't be it. This can't be happening, it just can't. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. Only mine", Will mumbled desperately.  
"Wha… what's your fault? What are you talking about"?  
"You're right. It _is_ something I haven't told you".  
He doubted only an instant. He knew it would be wrong to tell Jem, he knew he was selfish, but he had to let Jem know before he lost him. The words began to flood out of his mouth, quite unsteadily.  
Jem would just watch with big eyes while he spoke, unable to do anything but shaking his head back and forth, back and forth.

"The reason I left my family is that I care about them too much to let them die for me. They would've died if I stayed. My oldest sister died. I can't watch that happen to Cecily, or my mom or dad. I was a fool, a curious boy acting childish. I just _had_ to nose in my father's stuff. And I came across a demon. My sister, she saved me from it, having read about those creatures. Not before it cursed me, though. It said that everyone who loved me… they would die. All of them. That's why my sister died. I had to escape, I had to come here. I had to keep acting, pretending to be this mean, arrogant boy, because I couldn't let anyone die. It was just too hard. You should hate me for this, you'd be stupid if you didn't".  
This would be the hard part. He gulped before he continued.  
" My secret is, I allowed myself you. I thought that if you died, it would be because of the drug, not me. You're my great sin. I would allow you to love me if you ever could. I can't stand you dying for me, I won't allow it. It's… Please, don't. Just don't. Stay alive. Please. You have to. It's all my fault. You're the person who means the most to me in this world. I can't tell this to the others, with affection, love might come. I can't allow anyone to love me".

When Jem remembered how to speak, he just said "I love you".

"And I hate myself for it". Will started to cry now, real tears, streaming down his face.

The weird part was that Jem didn't seem shocked at all, only slightly surprised. Probably because he was too busy dying… No, not _dying. _He was just having a really bad coughing fit, that's all. At least, that's what Will kept telling himself.

Jem had always known there had to be something more to Will's behaviour, it was just that he'd kind of given up hope on ever finding out what it was. And yet, here he was, and Will had given him the whole confession. Everything in his brain exploded. He felt sad, relieved, confused, concerned, a feeling of pity, maybe he was dreaming? That couldn't be it either, because in dreams you didn't remember how you landed there…  
There was also an overwhelming feeling of…what? Love? He had always loved Will, but this was something different. Like the last big, ugly barrier between them had suddenly vanished. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Everything within him just craved to bury his chin in Will's shoulder, but that would be unnatural in every single way. What was this? If he didn't know better…

His thoughts got interrupted by a violent shiver that went through his body as he puked. Great amounts of blood poured out now. It was more blood than he'd every puked up. He couldn't deny that it scared him, but he kept gulping up words all the same.

"Don't, just, I understand you, but I don't think that curse can be real. Charlotte loves you. Henry loves you. I'm sure your family didn't stop loving you, but they're all alive. I'm coughing blood because of the drug, not because of you. Otherwise, I would have died another way. Not that I'm dying, of course. Anyway, no one could've lived without anybody loving them. I don't blame you".

Suddenly Jem thought about Tessa, and it just made him even more tired. He had convinced himself it would be right for him to be with her. She was a girl, a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving girl who had all the good qualities he could ever ask for. Yet, what he felt towards Will right now was more the feeling he had expected to feel for a person he would want to spend the rest of his life together with, it was just that Will was a _boy. _That kind of feelings for a boy was something you only heard of in stories, wasn't it? He'd always thought it was cruel the things people through history had done to homosexual men, but…

In that moment it was as if the last piece in his puzzle-life had fallen into place. He hadn't really felt it missing before, but now he understood that it had been gone. All he wanted to do was to lean in and touch Will, give him a kiss, but that would mean betraying Tessa, and there wasn't like Will had any kind of feelings for Jem, apart from friendly.

"I, I think I'm dying Will. Will, I'm sorry".  
"YOU JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T DYING. Seriously, stop"!  
" I… I really love you. Might as well say it now anyway, right? I mean I love you like in… I wish I hadn't said those words to Tessa. I know now that she isn't right for me. I thought she were, I really did. I thought that being in love just wasn't as amazing as the books describe it. But this is different, Will. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have this kind of feelings. It's wrong".

"I don't look at loving boys as a sin, I've never really got that part of humanity".

This surprised Jem. "I didn't mean boys loving boys, though. I meant… we're parabatai. I'm breaking the law, loving you this kind of way. I'm an unworthy Shadowhunter".

"Screw the law! It seems like the Clave thinks you can _choose_ who to love! Actually, I'm sick of the whole business. If being a Shadowhunter means that you only can follow a certain pattern, and that everything else is wrong, then… then I don't want to be a Shadowhunter anymore! I'm sick of the whole system. For God's sake, you can't even be yourself. AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE"!

"You're right. I'm sorry. I agree. I…"

He was stopped by gentle lips pressing against his mouth. Jem's eyes widened in shock, and his body was paralyzed for God-knows-how long. He didn't know if this was real or if he had already stepped through the gates to the afterlife, but he didn't really care. He lifted himself up to his elbows so he could kiss Will back. In that moment he forgot all the pain, he forgot about Tessa, and even the fact that he was dying.  
Will tried to keep it gentle, but his desperateness made it hard, so he was relieved when Jem broke out of the kiss and hugged Will instead. Jem held on to him with all his reminding strength.

"This is kind of weird, you know" Jem breathed.  
"I know. Absurd".  
"I really do love you, you know".  
"I love you too".

And that was how James Carstaires died.

**II will of course write about Will's reaction to Jem's death etc in the next chapter. I hate myself quite a lot for killing Jem, and I also apologize for my inability to write kissing scenes.**


	5. Chapter 5, FINAL CHAPTER

**I apologise for the delay. What happened was that I had a really good idea that I forgot, and it took a while to find a new one I was happy with, but I think I'm pleased with how it turned out. This is the final chapter of this story, and I hope you will like it.**

How could Will have thought his life had been bad before? Compared to how he felt in that moment, the previous months had been like a good dream. A dream he now would give about anything to re-enter. No tears were visible in his eyes, but one could see small, dried rivers on his cheeks from the minutes before. Now he just stared in plain disbelief at Jem's body, which lay across his lap, limb like a doll's. Will's whole body was paralyzed, and his lips were ice cold, but his mind still worked furiously. "Jem is dead, Jem is dead, Jem is dead". It couldn't be it, it just couldn't. He had expected this a long time, he knew it would happen _someday, _but this was too soon. Way, way too soon. Telling Jem the whole truth had even went a lot better than he had expected. They had actually _kissed_! (At least he thought they had kissed? He had a hard time telling the difference between real life and fantasy at the moment). And now, when he knew the possibility had been there for a life together, he couldn't even get a few days with him? He heard footsteps outside the door then, and they were steadily getting louder as they came closer to Will's room. Tears started to run down his cheeks again, and Will leaned over Jem's body, screaming that no one could get in, no one could get in…

* * *

He chased after the bright red bastard. Red as hell itself, and the orange scales dotted here and there made the impression that the vicious demon had caught fire. A hole in the front of its body opened, and it showed its thin, needle sharp teeth, seemingly placed at random inside the mouth. Adrenalin pulsed trough Will's veins, hard and fast, and his forehead was sticky with sweat, his hair plastered to his head with it. This was a feeling that no booze or self-harm could give him. This was what he was supposed to do, was born to do, and most importantly, it was right. To get addicted to a liquid was a thought that disgusted him when he thought about how Jem had died. He even regretted the night before. It felt like drinking was to just spit on Jem's memory. _Why_ was he so screwed up? He was just about to name the seraph blade in his hand when he felt a blinding pain in his arm. The demon was faster than he would have thought. He tried to fling it off him without much success. The pain went through his arm and spread fast to the rest of his body. He gasped for air. "Rap…Raph… ARGHHH". He never got enough time to voice the whole name. For a second he felt dread, but when he remembered Jem he realized that he didn't really care, it didn't matter what happened. It wasn't as he had anything to live for any more…Even if it might be that Jem had been right about the curse. When he thought about it he felt like a fool. How could it have been real? But it didn't matter, because it wasn't as though his family would accept him if he came home now after all these years either. He stopped struggling against the thing, and just did feeble attempts to get it off, attempts he knew wouldn't work. He just managed to whisper the words "I just hope I will be able to see Jem again" before he collapsed onto his side, shaking while the demon continued to tear here and there on his arm and later his throat, making nasty-looking gashes appear, and Will's shirt became soaked with blood. One last violent shake went through his body before he went completely still.

* * *

After several days of heavy rain, the sun finally managed to break through the clouds in London city. The streets were again filled with people, and the colours seemed much brighter. The city seemed so _alive, _but for a few people, the feelings were of the completely opposite nature.

Charlotte, Henry and Tessa were gathered in the same room for the first time in days. All worry about Mortmain and the Automatons were laid away. They hadn't even had dinner at the same time, as none of them felt like eating anyway. They were all dressed in white, but none of them felt ready to face the day. How could they? Henry and Charlotte had missed all their as-good-as-children, Jessamine had betrayed them, then they lost Jem, and Will the day after. Tessa had lost the love of her life, and also the only friend she had in the world, who had not only made her laugh, but also had understood her love for books like no one else ever had before. And they didn't even know if Will's death was an accident or not. They all knew that he had a very special connection to Jem, and that he was the only one who might have understood a fragment of why Will was as he was. Still, no one had dared to suggest that it was anything but a horrible accident.

The silence in the saloon where they sat was complete. They all felt like they should say something to the others, provide words of comfort, but neither of them could find the right words. There was no point in saying it would be okay, because well, it wouldn't. They were dead. All Will and Jem had ever done in their lives now resolved to this. They didn't have memories any longer, they didn't know or care that they were being mourned, the could not look back at their life to see all the great things they had accomplished and the people they had saved, because they didn't know that they had ever existed. Empty shells, that was all there was left. That it might be a heaven where their souls were at peace was a far off thought that didn't provide much comfort in the situation they were in.

Finally, a knock sounded on the door, and they could escape from the unpleasant silence and go. Surprisingly, even the Warlock had dressed in white this day, but no trace of emotion was visible in his features. When the door opened, he gave them all a quick embrace, holding a bit longer onto Tessa than the others. Not even he said anything.

They started the walk to the hill where the funeral pyre would be lit. It seemed the right thing to do, to burn them together. Charlotte had said "That's what they would have wanted", and no one had protested.

Once they were there, Tessa went to where their bodies lay. She had thought that she had cried so much that there was no way there could be any more tears left, but apparently she had been wrong. The sight of Jem lying there was even worse than she had imagined. Somehow it was like the past days had been a nightmare, but nightmares still were dreams. Now she woke up to reality, which was so much worse. It was real. There really was no way that she could get Jem back. Not in two days, not in two years, not even in a hundred. Waiting and patience wouldn't make it better now, she could no longer use time as a way to don't lose hope. "Just wait a little longer, and it will be fine". She was left with nothing. Despite the coldness of his skin, she leaned down over Jem and hugged him tightly against her, making the shirt he was wearing wet from the droplets that fell steadily from her eyes. She whispered words. They might have been the phrase "I love you so much, I love you so much", repeated several times, but it was impossible to say for sure with the gasps and cries in between. Charlotte laid an arm on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Tessa, but you have to let go now. We have to let _them _let go. Come here". Tessa stood up unwillingly and Charlotte embraced her.

They were staring at the flames that licked the bodies. Charlotte and Magnus stood a few feet behind the others. Magnus finally let go of his stone façade, his face screwing up in a horrible grimace, so the tears welling up in his eyes weren't even visible. "Charlotte, I am so sorry, so sorry. I should have"...  
"There's nothing you should or could have done, Magnus… You know, Henry and I will be okay. We know what it means to be a Shadowhunter. It's all a part of the big game. We expect death. Of course this is terrible, I've never been this sad, but… we'll be okay, we'll get our baby boy… It's Tessa this is hardest for. My heart breaks looking at her. Her whole life was changed so dramatically in such a short time, but she had Jem and Will to comfort her. But not anymore", she sighed deeply and lent her head against Magnus's shoulder.

Magnus didn't want to burden her further, so he stayed quiet, not voicing what he had really meant when he said he was sorry. He was glad Charlotte only had taken it as he was sorry for them, well he _was, _it was just that it was more to the story than just that.

Hours passed, the funeral pyre had completely burned out and only the ashes still remained. Most people had gone home long ago. Now even Tessa turned around and went away, leaving Magnus alone by the ashes - The ashes that it was his fault laid there. He sat down, as his feet could no longer bear the weight of his body. Charlotte had been wrong. There _was_ something he could've done.

He had indeed spent a lot of time looking for the demon that put the curse over Will, but he hadn't failed. He never did. The sort of demon that had attacked Will couldn't change shape. It wasn't an Eidolon. Will should've known that. During the process of finding the demon, Magnus had seen Will frustrated, sad, and had even seen him crying, and he knew that he was the only one who knew how Will felt. As long as Will believed in the curse, he wouldn't tell anyone about it. What he should have said, of course, was that he knew the curse wasn't real, which he knew because he'd summoned the demon to the pentagram and had had what you could call a little… chat with it.

He just hadn't been able to tell Will, because he knew what it would result to. Will would finally tell the others the mystery behind his behaviour. He would be happy, and he wouldn't need Magnus any more. After helping Will for so long, Magnus had realized just how much he cared for him, just how much he wanted to be the only person Will could rely on, the only one who would be able to provide him with hope. He had, somehow, fallen in love with the boy with the black hair and the piercingly blue eyes. And he had been so egoistic about his feelings, had been so afraid that Will would truly open himself up to how Magnus _knew_ he felt for Jem. He had lived so long that he couldn't fail to notice when a person had fallen in love.

Will would be devastated by Jem's death no matter what, and that one thing Magnus couldn't have done anything with, but he shouldn't have cut off all the support Will could have had around him, that would prevent him to give in to death so easily. He knew the demon Will had encountered hadn't been a match for him if he'd really wanted to exercise it.

And thereby the consequences. Magnus had done what was the most horribly selfish thing a human being could do, he had caused so much pain for the person he loved that the person had wanted to die, and it had left Magnus completely devastated and heartbroken. He knew he deserved it, he knew it was right, and he knew he would've remained a cruel person for ever if it hadn't happened, but the thing was, the others didn't deserve it. Henry, and Tessa, and Charlotte. He was the reason for theirs, and so many other people's misery.

Maddened with guilt and self-hate, he just sat there, alone in the world, as the sun went down, and the night coated the sky with a black carpet. He swore he would never, ever be the reason for someone's sadness again. He would only bring happiness and joy to the world.

* * *

The problem is, when a damaged person wants to cause happiness, the consequences are rarely what the person set out for.

**Well, that's it! I would greatly appreciate hearing your thoughts on my fanfiction. Just a tiny comment is enough to make me very happy, and I'm sure it will help me with future fanfiction writing. Also, if you have questions, I would be more than happy to answer them.**


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